Nene's Den

MY TRUSTED AND RECOMMENDED ONLINE SHOPS LIST

2011-04-17T09:44:00.001-07:00

The following is a list of Trusted Online sellers recommended by yours truly, because they provide both outstanding customer service and competitive pricing.

Online Sellers I have transacted successfully with:

1. DONCHER12 http://doncher12.multiply.com/

"The Online Clothing Superstore,where you'll always find the latest and

greatest style at prices you can afford."

2. LYNN'S FASHION STORE http://lynnsfashionstore.multiply.com/

"An online only supplier of

RTW Wholesale Fashion Clothing"

3. BAGAHOLLIC http://bagahollic.multiply.com/

"Onhand All Original and Authentic items at very reasonable prices"

4. D5COUTURE http://d5couture.multiply.com/

" Korean/Japan/China Apparel at very affordable price"

5. THE GLAMOUR COLLECTION http://theglamourcollection.multiply.com/

"offers imported fashion clothing and hair care products. They have both on-hand and pre-order items."

6. THE DRESS COLLECTION ONLINE STORE http://thedresscollection.multiply.com

" Importer of Korean and Japanese Fashion Apparels"

7. THE SEED BEARING SHOP http://tedz040805.multiply.com/

"FAB FINDS AT VERY AFFORDABLE PRICES! PRE-LOVED YET STILL IN EXCELLENT/GOOD CONDITION!"

8. HERMOSA http://hermosaedp.multiply.com/

"the next best thing in town and truly the epitome of long-lasting fragrance!"

9. REVELATION ESSENTIALS http://sulit.com.ph/1810944

"Sa P350... Hilig Mo sa Pabango, Inegosyo Mo!"

reposting blogs

2011-02-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

i joined and created my page/site in multiply.com years ago but havent updated it. i thought of reposting some of my favorite blogs to have something worth reading and looking!

kean is 2months old now!

2011-02-04T00:34:00.000-08:00

Happy 2 months old baby Kean!

time flies so so fast!

2011-01-07T02:39:00.001-08:00

being a MOM: LOVING SO SO MUCH!

Baker wannabe!

2010-09-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

I started my new blog about cooking, baking, and making desserts.

I have collected and kept a lot of delicious dessert recipes so I plan to share them. And to rant about how I wish I was better at making desserts look pretty.

This blog is a collection of words, photographs and recipes from people who inspire me or from my own notebooks. A place for me to share my love for food --- especially desserts and chocolates!

See You there!

2010-08-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

A New Chapter Unfolds

How To Tell If Your Boss Is A Narcissist

2010-05-04T00:22:00.000-07:00

Need to know how to tell if your boss is a narcissist? It’s not hard to tell if you’re boss is a narcissist. Narcissists are self-centered, demanding, self-aggrandizing, and present an attitude of entitlement. If you do not give your narcissistic boss the attention he deserves, he may become hostile, sulky, or verbally abusive. You can tell your boss is a narcissistic if he displays most of these qualities on a day-to-day basis.

He focuses on himself, rather than the company. You can tell your boss is a narcissist if he focuses on his personal goals and ambitions rather than the advancement of his company and workers.
He always has to be right. To tell if your boss is a narcissist, observe how he responds to dissenting opinions. Most supervisors will be willing to listen to constructive criticism, but a narcissistic boss will take offense to any opinion that differs from his own.
He lies and bends the rules. If your boss is a narcissist, he probably believes that the rules don’t apply to him. He may lie to you, your co-workers, and his supervisors to advance his own agenda and to evade responsibility for his actions.
He isn’t empathetic. Narcissists show little compassion for others. If your boss is a narcissist, he will show little understanding if you ask for a day off to take care of a sick family member or if you’re five minutes late for work due to a traffic jam.
He acts paranoid. Paranoia is a common trait in narcissistic persons. Most likely, your boss is a narcissist if you catch him spying on his employees, making outlandish accusations, or accusing workers of trying to plot against him.

wala lang to

2010-04-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

ano kaya nararamdaman mo sa tuwing umiiyak ako? ano kaya naiisip mong dahilan kung bakit ako nalulungkot? naiisip mo pa kaya na ikaw yung iniiyakan ko? naiisip mo ba na namimimiss na kita? hindi lang yung simpleng wala lang miss lang kita..kundi yung parang sa sobrang tagal nating hindi naguusap, nagbabonding...yung tipong isipin ko lang yung dati...umiiyak ako kase wala na yun? yung iiyak ako kase alam ko hindi na maibabalik yung panahon na yun? yung kahit anong gawin ko...magkaiba na mundo naten..kaya wala na talaga akong magagawa kundi tanggapin yung gusto ni Lord na mangyare...?

iniisip mo siguro, napakaiyakin ko naman...napakababaw...pero sana maisip mo na hindi lang dahil sa kababawan o pagkamaiyakin ko lang to...sana maisip mo yung lalim ng pinagsamahan natin...yung lalim ng kung anong nararamdaman ko para sa iyo...

hindi ako nabubuhay sa nakaraan. samakatuwid masaya ako sa kinatatayuan ko ngayon..ngunit kahit anong gawin nila hindi nila mapantayan yung halaga mo sa buhay ko..hindi nila magawang ibalik yung nawalang bahagi sa buhay ko..kaya nagmimistulang malungkot ako. sana wag mong isipin na pinagpipilitan ko lahat ng ito. sinasabi ko lang yung nararamdaman ko...malungkot ako kase namimiss kita. yun lang. mababaw na kung mababaw...wala naren akong pakialam sa isipin ng iba. puso ko to eh. ramdam niya kung anong gusto niyang maramdaman.

2010-04-09T19:47:00.001-07:00

Im feeling sad... So sad all I want to do is cry...

2010-03-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

Love. Is that what I crave?
If it is, then why can't I find it?
Hate. Does that mean anger?
If it does, then why do I feel hollow?
Pain. Does that mean suffering?
If it does, then why does it feel comforting?
Memories. Are they not images of the past?
If they are, why is there only shadows?
Smiles. Does that mean happiness?
If it does, then why does it hurt?
Life. What does it mean?
Should it mean any of these things?
If it doesn't, then why are they there?

Massive Earthquake Strikes Chile

2010-02-28T02:03:00.001-08:00

My heart goes out to all those impacted by the earthquake and I send my best wishes and prayers to my readers in Chile and all those suffering from the devastation in Chile and facing the tsunami threat around the Pacific, including all my readers in eastern Australia.

I am a work in progress

2010-02-20T05:07:00.000-08:00

Lubos man akong nasaktan sa mga desisyong aking pinanindigan, ngayo’y itinuturing ko na lamang isang hampas sa ulo ang nangyaring kabalintunaan. Isang hampas na talaga namang nagpagitla sa akin ng ilang buwan. Binulag ng pagmamahal na dapat ay sa aking sarili muna’y pinaramdam. Ako’y tatayo mula sa pagkalugmok. Mamahalin ang sarili at kakalimutan ang pag-ibig na minsa’y muntik ng lamunin ang aking kahinaan. Ako’y mamamahinga, puso ko’y ikukubli sa mapagsamantala. Kaya ko na ‘to, gising na sa wakas ang minsa’y isang loka-loka.

This time I’m not only moving on, this time I’ll keep moving forward, because I have to, because I had enough, because I am torn, because I am hurt, because I loved, because I am whole, because I fight for myself, because I seek for what’s right, because I deserve better, because I should be taken care of, because I am not a trash, because I should let go and set free of one thing that has been unyielding me. There’s nothing wrong in being bitter, remember, medicines usually taste bitter but it makes you well. Maraming lumipas na magagandang pagkakataon ang aking naitapon, nai-kahon at hindi na iyon maibabalik pang muli ng panahon. Sarili ko muna’y gugugulin ng pansin, ibabalik tiwala’t respeto sa sarili na nawala sa akin. Walang oras na ‘di pagyayamanin, lahat ng makapagpapabuti’y akin ng yayakapin. I don’t deserve blab-mouthing and big talking. I’m über-exhausted, for such events that became a cycle – and I need to break-free.

I just have to remind myself that I’m not half waiting to be made whole.

2010-02-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

Wag ka ng mag-isip at bigyan ng dahilan ang isip mo para isipin siya. Masaya ang buhay, kaya mabuhay ka ng masaya.

More Lessons Learned

2010-02-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve learned that when you love never stick only to what your heart feels. Remember that sometimes using your brain is a necessity. Next, never use your eyes to cry for the person who hurt you. Instead, use it to search for the right one. Lastly, don’t be scared breaking up. Keeping a relationship without love is just a waste of time. Take note: love the one who will fight for you and bravely face each and every consequence. Someone whom you can call “MINE” rather than “IDEAL”.

People get hurt with love because they try to deny its existence or its absence. Don’t make things complicated for it’s hard to find an answer. If you love someone, build up a relationship, wherein you’ll both find true happiness. If you know love has faded, just let go and don’t dream as if there’s still chance for love to come back. Because the more you deny what’s inside your heart, the more pain you are trying to catch.

Bakit kaya pagdating sa love yung kabaligtaran mo ang napupunta sa’yo? Bakit yung matino napupunta sa bad? Bakit yung palaging bigo napupunta sa naglalaro? Bakit yung mabait napupunta sa pasaway? Kaya pala ganun kasi, pag ibinigay sa’yo ang katulad mo, hindi ka matututo magbago para sa isang tao. Hindi mo malalaman ang mali sa’yo. At pag walang nagbago sa’yo, hindi mo malalaman kung nagmahal ka nga ng totoo.

We must learn to trust the perfect time so that we may discover that all the pain found in waiting has a magnificent and awesome purpose. In God’s time I know I’ll fall in love for the right person. When that time comes, love will be worth the wait, the tears and the pain. Then I’ll forget that I ever waited because somewhere between heartaches and waiting, comes another chance to be found by someone who can show me that I don’t deserve to be just an option but the only choice.

Food Thoughts

2010-02-11T05:03:00.000-08:00

eat-as-much-as-you-want-whenever-you-want -->
eat-in-moderation -->
eat-only-because-you-have-to -->
skip-meals-and-eat-only-if-absolutely-necessary -->
eat-only-because-you-have-to -->
eat-in-moderation -->
eat-as-much-as-you-want-whenever-you-want --> and so on...

Realization (about love ulit. sorry senti lang!)

2010-01-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

Ako ay isang babaeng punong-puno ng pagmamahal pero walang nagmamahal

(me ganun?? Drama naman. Hehe =P).

Ang buhay ko’y tunay na nakakaboring parang isang walang saysay na istorya. Walang ka kwenta-kwenta pero marami akong kaibigan na nagpaalakas ng loob ko at nagbibigay ng mga dahilan para ako ay maging masaya. Sila yung mga taong nagpaparamdam sakin kung ganu nila ko kailangan, kung gaano ako ka importante sa kanila.

“Everything happens for a reason” yan ang pinaka motto ko sa buhay ngayon. I used to be a person who always thinks positive.And a person who would never lie.But I realized, All these years I’m living three fourths of my life in total bogus. Minsan nga hindi ko na alam kung alin ang tunay at totoo. Dahil ang laging sinasabi sakin ng ibang tao na “all that shine is real”. Yan! Yan! Yan ang pagkakaalam ko dati, hanggang sa isang araw habang ako’y nakikipaglaban sa damdamin ko. Oo, isa akong pretender pero hindi basta bastang pretender dahil I am a great pretender (hahaha!). madalas makikita ako ng mga kaibigan ko na laging masaya. Iniisip nila na wala akong problema pero hindi nila alam na napakarami kong problema sa buhay. Isa na dyan ay yung problema ko sa pag-ibig. Pakiramdam ko ni minsan di ko pa naranasang mahalin ako kung anu ako at kung sino ako. all I want to do is to sit beside someone I love, someone I trust my life completely. Bakit nga ba ang hirap para sakin na matagpuan yun? Yun bang mga bagay na yon eh nangyayari lang sa pelikula? Hindi ko gusto ang isang magandang lalaki. Ang gusto ko ay yung lalaking totoong mahal ako. Pero dapat mahal ko din. Isang tao na may paninindigan at dignidad sa buhay. Isang tao na nakikita ang kabutihan at kagandahan ng isang tao sa likod ng pisikal na kaanyuan nito. Isang tao na handang gawin ang lahat para mabuhay at para matupad ang lahat ng kanyang mga pangarap sa buhay. One who’ll keep quiet when I’m mad, and after that will keep me in his arms and hug me tight, kiss all my tears away.Isang tao na magsasabi sakin kung anu ang tama at kung anu ang mali. Isang tao na hindi natatakot sakin kundi takot na mawala ako sa kanya. Isang tao na mamahalin lahat ng kagandahan at kapangitan ko. Someone that who will love me as me, nothing more nothing less.

Well, hindi naman talaga walang nagmamahal sakin. meron naman. pero ako lang siguro talaga ang problema. Sabi ko nga, hopeless romantic ako. Gusto ko may spark. may kilig. may ngiti di lang sa labi, dapat abot hanggang puso ko. At yun marahil ang hinahanap ko. Isang tao lang naman ang nakakagawa nun. haay. balik na naman ang kwento sa kanya. bakit nga ba ganun? lagi na lang bang iikot ang mundo ko sa kanya. ilang beses ko na ngang tinanong sarili ko kung ano ba pinakain nya sakin at ganito na lang kung alagaan ko yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya. It's not that I cant move on. maybe i just dont want to. Maybe it has got to do with the promise I made: He will be the last guy I'll love. Pero promises are made to be broken naman di ba? bakit di ko ma break???

Ganun pa man, malungkot man ako minsan, nagpapasalamat pa din ako dahil sa kanya, natuto akong magmahal ng buong puso. Natuto akong tanggapin ang lahat ng bagay masama man ito o mabuti. Natuto akong magpatawad. Wala man sya ngayon sa piling ko Physically but in my heart there is always a place for him where he should be. dito sa puso ko mananatili ang mga masasayang alaala na kasama pa ko sya. =)

God is really good, All the time.

My Pampanga to Subic trip 2010

2010-01-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

This is actually My first time to visit these places.

First stop was San Guillermo Parish Church in Bacolor,Pampanga. It is one of the oldest and largest churches in the philippines. Only half of the original facade of the church can be seen today due to the eruption of Mount Pinatubo in 1991 which half-buried the church. It was really an interesting site! Stayed there for an hour, enough to take pictures.

Next was Adventure Beach in Subic Bay where I had lunch (Yummy!) . After lunch, I checked out Camayan Beach resort, which is actually just beside it (And just beside Ocean Adventure, Can you imagine!). Strolled and took some pictures after pictures. Fine, white sand! (but not as white in boracay, I think. never been there. i'll go check it out next time.harhar!) It was very refreshing. relaxing. Just what i needed!

And Next of course was Ocean adventure. First in the list of "activities" was Walk on the Wild Side. Walk on the Wild Side is Ocean Adventure’s newest animal show, this time featuring wildlife of the forest. The show begins with a demonstration by the local indigenous Aetas and their ingenious use of one simple plant, bamboo. They demonstrate their amazing ability to build and light a fire without matches, and to create a variety of utensils and tools from bamboo. Walk on the Wild Side then transports guests into the forest at night, where we explore the sights of sounds of the deep dark forest. On our “walk” we meet a variety of birds, bats, mammals, and reptiles. Then, next was the Dolphin and Whale Presentation. Next was Discovery Aquarium, which looks like Ocean Park in Manila but smaller. Next was Rap, Jump, and Roll.Rap, Jump, and Roll is a variety show that has some very creative ways of teaching kids about the marine environment and the animals that live in it. With a backdrop of a colorful coral reef 3-D wall, the show features high flying trampoline performers displaying the patterns and colors of reef fishes, plus the Ocean Adventure mascots. Through trampoline antics, rap, comedy, and dance we explore a variety of environmental and animal-related subjects with the message to take action in small ways. And lastly, the Sea Lion Marine Patrol Show. I forgot the SeaLion's name but it was very entertaining and delightful show, perfect for all ages.

I've decided to come back soon and see Zoobic Safari! Yey!

http://colouredimages.blogspot.com/

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

2009-12-31T01:42:00.000-08:00

I just read that 2010 (year of the tiger) is an excellent year for those who were born in the year of the horse. Sounds great,huh? I am excited actually and looking forward to what GOD has in store for me.

2009 was a very tough year for me. A lot of heartaches, failures, sickness, sadness... Aside from meeting and gaining new friends, I have nothing to share, nothing to talk about that made me happy...there's not much to smile about.

Ive had 2 BFs this year. ended relationship with both of them. Im single before the year ended.
Ive worked for 2 companies this year. I resigned. Im jobless before the year ended.
I have this lump in my right neck and still waiting for the result of the biopsy. Im a little scared, to be honest.
etc..etc...etc....etc....

But in spite of all these seemingly "tragic" events and circumstances, Im still thankful for everything. I didnt understand why these things happened but I still trust God. Great things are yet to come.

Again. I wanna thank those people who loved me and cared for me. And those people who still loves and cares for me. Im really sorry for being such a cry baby! Sorry for all the dramas. Thank you for being a great friend. I dont deserve all of you but Im so lucky I have you at times when I needed you most. Im sorry for not being there when you mightve needed me. "Myself" needed "Me"! LOL! I'll repent and be more loving and nicer and kinder to all of you. I am missing some of my friends and hope to hookup with you guys one of these days.soon.

I am saying goodbye now to 2009 and saying hello to 2010!

Goodbye loneliness, Hello happiness!

[ Happiness is a Choice. Suffering is an Option]

Happy 2010!

2009-12-29T08:32:00.001-08:00

May you have enough happiness to keep you happy.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrow to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you thoughtful.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough faith and courage in yourself to banish depression.
Enough wealth to meet your daily needs.
Enough determination to make each day a better day than yesterday.

Too Blind To See...

2009-11-29T23:01:00.000-08:00

Ano ka ngayon? nasaan yung tapang mo? Tanga ka nga. Alam mo sa sarili mo na wala ka ng magagawa. Alam mo yan tanga. Pinapahirapan mo lang yung sarili mo eh. Cheer up! Tumayo ka. Wag kang magpapako dyan sa nararamdaman mo. tanga ka kasi. Magseseryoso ka na lang ulit, sumablay ka pa. Tanga talaga.

Oo nga mahal mo siya. Alam ko din na mamimiss mo lahat ng ginawa nyo ng magkasama. Pero move on! wala na eh. ano pang pinag-iiisip mo jan? Alam mo naman yung dapat mong gawin diba? Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sa'yo eh. Paulit-ulit ka na lang ganyan. Kahit anong sabi ko sa'yo, d ka na nadala. Hindi ka na natuto sa mga naranasan mo. Ngayon ano? Tignan mo yang sarili mo. Malungkot. Mukha kang ewan. Mukha kang tanga. May paiyak iyak ka pang nalalaman tangna ka!

Ano? kakausapin mo na naman siya at susubukang ayusin yung mga bagay bagay? Yan ang nasa isip mo diba? bahala ka, makulit yang puso at utak mo. Eto na yung huli kong pagsesermon sa'yo. Ewan! Bahala ka! Di ka na nadala, hindi ka na natuto. Tanga!

Relationship/Love Reminders:

2009-11-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

1. A man won't let go if he really loves you.

Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you
and does not value having you.
Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is
another reason he is not willing to tell.

2. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship.
There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does
not love you.
Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done.
Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.

3. Do not get hung up on your past.
Do not nag or distrust your current boyfriend just because your ex hurt you.
Do not treat him or the relationship the same way. Do not compare.
He will not react the same way as your ex. Do not be worried that your simple mistakes will cause him to look for another girl.
What happened with your ex was not your fault. It was not because you didn't guard him enough or you didn't make him happy enough.

4. Do not look into images.
How many times have you met a girl who didn't have the best image in school or at the office, but you get to know the girl and found out she was actually extremely nice?
Do not rely on images. Oftentimes, it is far from reality.
Do not fear men just because your "supposedly" perfect ex-boyfriend mistreated you.

5. Always have your own set of rules.
Set your limits on how far you'd go for a guy. It's perfectly ok to give and do everything as long as it's worth it..
And it's worth it if the guy is treating you right.

6. Do not be scared to lose him.
Don't be scared that he'll break up with you.
Once you are afraid of losing him, you easily can be taken advantage.
Be strong and if something is unacceptable, do not accept it and speak up.

7. Avoid calling your guy.
It's a guy thing. The relationship will definitely be better if it's the guy who's calling, not the girl.
He will get tired of you if you keep on calling. He will lose interest and challenge.
More so, he will get annoyed. But it's a girl thing also that your fingers get too itchy until you dial his number.
But avoid as much as possible. Call only if really needed (like checking if your suspicions are reasonable).

8. There is a guy who will value you.
There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved.
And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don't lose hope.
Don't settle for a lesbian if you are not attracted to women. There is a man out there who can love you like a girl can.
Also, do not believe him when he says it's just the way he really is. He's not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together?
Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.

9. Always be the only one, no matter what.
Do not ever fall for a guy who has another girl, be it his wife, girlfriend, or any girl that he says he just can't get rid of for whatever reason. If you truly believe that he loves you and for some reason, he can't leave or let go of another girl, then you are no different from any ordinary mistress.

10. He must respect you.
No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you.

11. If he fooled you, end it.
Philandering once is enough.
You can never trust nor respect the person again.

12. Never start a relationship the wrong way.
Do not steal another girl's man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.

13. Do not force yourself into a relationship.
Do not get into a relationship just because your friends are getting impatient with your dating escapades and the one hasn't come yet..
Do not choose who to say yes to based on superficial things like money, looks, cars, etc..
If you are even thinking of these things, you have not fallen in love yet.

14. Do not settle.
If you are not happy anymore with your relationship, break up instantly.
He will not stay with you forever no matter how upright he might seem to be.
Eventually, he will also want love and happiness in his life.

15. A relationship has to have love.
Love is the only thing that will push you to give your efforts into making the relationship work.
And believe me, keeping a relationship requires genuine efforts of both parties.

16. Don't be afraid to be single.
It's fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want.
You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free!
Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.

17. Be a good girl.
Be a good girl to attract a good guy. Enter the relationship with sincere intentions.
Take the guy and the relationship seriously with the plan of spending the rest of your life with that person (of course, this is after you had your bit of fun in your younger years) . If you compare your flings from your real relationships, you will know that the latter makes you happier and more fulfilled.

18. Love without limits.
Whether you loved and gave everything or loved but held out for some things, if the relationship ends, you still get hurt. But if you gave your everything, you were happy and you could say that it was worth it. If you didn't give your all, you get hurt for nothing.

19. You will get over him.
Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.

20. Be the one.
Act like you are the one. Don't be a nagger. Don't hinder his gimmicks. Don't give in to him too easily.
Make him treat you as important. Don't be easy. Don't be like every
other girl he had in his life.

Too Blind to See

2009-11-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

Ano na naman ba 'tong nararamdaman mo? Akala ko ba ok na sa'yo yung nangyari? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan? Tanga ka ba ha? Tapos na, tapos na ang lahat. Wala ka ng babalikan. Huli na para bumalik ka pa. Wag kang tanga. Wag kang magdrama tangna mo. Anong sabi mo sa 'kin nuon? nakalimutan mo na ba? Memory gap ka na naman ba? Wala na nga diba, wala na. Wag mo ng ipilit pa.

Ano ka ngayon? nasaan yung tapang mo? Tanga ka nga. Alam mo sa sarili mo na wala ka ng magagawa. Alam mo yan tanga. Pinapahirapan mo lang yung sarili mo eh. Cheer up! Tumayo ka. Wag kang magpapako dyan sa nararamdaman mo. tanga ka kasi. Magseseryoso ka na lang ulit, sumablay ka pa. Tanga talaga.

Oo nga mahal mo siya. Alam ko din na mamimiss mo lahat ng ginawa nyo ng magkasama. Pero move on! wala na eh. ano pang pinag-iiisip mo jan? Alam mo naman yung dapat mong gawin diba? Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sa'yo eh. Paulit-ulit ka na lang ganyan. Kahit anong sabi ko sa'yo, d ka na nadala. Hindi ka na natuto sa mga naranasan mo. Ngayon ano? Tignan mo yang sarili mo. Malungkot. Mukha kang ewan. Mukha kang tanga. May paiyak iyak ka pang nalalaman tangna ka!

Ano? kakausapin mo na naman siya at susubukang ayusin yung mga bagay bagay? Yan ang nasa isip mo diba? bahala ka, makulit yang puso at utak mo. Eto na yung huli kong pagsesermon sa'yo. Ewan! Bahala ka! Di ka na nadala, hindi ka na natuto. Tanga!

blank

2009-11-19T01:12:00.000-08:00

so sad...i cant write

musing again

2009-10-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

After weeks of what people call "writer's block"... I got inspired. Coz I'm so sleepy I couldn't sleep anymore.LOL!

A lot of changes happened recently - for the better i suppose. i'm still trying to figure things out... where to go from here, how to go about it etc. well, what's new right?! i guess it will always (always!) be like this.

LOL but one thing's for sure, i know i'm still lucky like shit!

My job's awesome, my life's fucked up but full of fun and i have an insatiable thirst to learn, to live and to love.

life is really a bitch you know. and it's good err great that it is. 'cause when you start to become complacent and things begin fucking up one by one, you wake up and fix 'em ugh-gain. that's life! ain't that a bitch?! tried doing things the right way, tried doing things the wrong way... however hard i try IT just won't die. keeps coming back ya' know. and i guess i'm at fault.

it's a choice really.

happiness... yes. contentment... yes.
excited yet anxious, nervous... yes.
to last? that is the question.

forgiveness... forgiveness... for...
what?

:p

Angst

2009-10-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

This week was a huge emotional setback that I so reluctantly faced. I have felt that need to bring out the happy mask yet again to disguise that deep splinter in my heart - It's easier to smile than to explain to people who won't understand anyway.

Eversince,whenever I feel unwanted, I just quietly withdraw myself and just silently take my way out. I was never the one to make efforts to redeem myself or vindicate myself over doing something spectacular or astounding. It's not the it's-your-loss-not-mine snooty kind of mentality, actually it's quite the opposite. I feel more of sadness and dishearten that if I feel not being liked, I'll just stay away to lighten their burdens a bit and i realized that i'm mature enough to stoop down to their levels.

This week I also learned that it's much harder to pull a smile when you feel your face is pulling down. It's like there's a huge wave of downcast enveloping your soul. I've always had a sly face to cover everything but somehow, I never knew how to battle sadness of being unwanted.

I am human who's never contented and will always look for the other side. I am not happy but I am trying everyday. As I remind myself, blessings, mundane as they can be, are still blessings. I don't want to have regrets to have them back again once I don't have them anymore.
After going through the ordeal of self-denial, here comes the unexpected truth that I can't even handle. Its because when someone reminds me of how I want to live my life, I knew I failed but no, Im actually on my way soon. Thanks to you people! Check on your life first before judging mine! You just don't know how I make my everyday to be a new learning ground and live my life the way I want it to be.

You can't crucify someone who is living a life that you so want to have.
Your life won't get any easier just because you think you have drag someone down with you.
Stop All the hypocrisy.

Bagyo man ang dumating

2009-09-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

matindi ang unos na nagdaan

ang hagupit ng hangin

ang buhos ng ulan

tila walang katapusan.

nagngingit sa galit ang kalikasan

bagamat malayo sa kapahamakan

di mapanatag aking damdamin

lumulutang ang aking isipan

hinahanap ang iyong mga mata

nagtatanong kung nasan ka na

di pala nakakatakot ang bagyo

di pala nakakatakot ang bangis ng hangin

di pala nakakadampi ang ulan

napawi na ito ng aking pag-aalala sayo

nag-aabang, sa malayo nakatanaw

naghihintay sa yong pagdating

di mapakali hangang muling kapiling ka

sa lupit ng hagupit ng bagyo

sa kasagsagan nito

naglaho ang aking pangamba

ang kaba ay napilitan ng ngiti

nang madama ko ang iyong yakap

nang mahawakan ko ang iyong kamay

ang damdamin ay nagliyab

ang kapangyarihan sa aking bisig

ay nag-uumapaw sa lakas

ito’y umiikot na parang ipo-ipo

at nakaamba na parang ahas

ang anumang bagay ay maglalaho

sa oras na dumampi sa iyong balat

at masusunog sa init ng apoy

ang damdamin ay walang katulad

nagbabadyang panganib

nakahandang suongin

hawak ka lang sa palad ko

magiging usok ang patak ng ulan

nakapagtatakang napawi ang takot

ni kaunting kaba ay di ko nararamdaman

yakap ko ang syang balabal mo

lahat ay kaya nating suongin

lahat ay kaya nating lampasan

nararamdaman mo pa ba ang takot?

ang panganib ay nawalan ng puwang sa atin

ang takot ay naikubli

ng makita ang kislap sa iyong mga mata.

kaya kong bihagin ang unos sa palad ko

at ibalik ito sa karagatan.

ipagtatanggol kita…

ilang unos pa man ang dumating.

Thank you

2009-09-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

I happen to "bump in" to this live journal account. I dont know this person. It just amazes me that he/she reads my works. he/she even shared it to his/her friends...

to you, yyyoshiii of Mind Vomit, Thank you. I appreciate that you read my works and that you didnt remove my name on it! LOL.

bumming!

2009-09-14T22:48:00.001-07:00

I don't think I still have a life.

I'm spending most of my time in front of my computer...

But still loving it! LOL!

2009-08-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

I failed not to think of Him especially on this day.

Today is his Birthday...

How nice it is to spend this special day with him,huh? but everything has changed now. And all I could do is to wish him all the best things in life, pray for him, even without him knowing...

I just really hope that he's happy...

Now there's so much to write but I can't do it all at once.

Busy...

2009-08-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

Addicted to Poker!

No. not the real one. no real money. no real chips.

Texas Hold'em Poker from Facebook is what Im referring to. hehehe.

I don't have anything to blog today. So I thought of sharing this bit of info. very interesting right? me, gambling??? well, at least not for real!

that's all folks! will be playing again! Wish me luck. LOL!

I Love You, Goodbye

2009-08-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

I said Goodbye to him for the Nth time...

I always have the answer to any questions that someone will asked me, but I cant find the right answer to his one simple question.

"why are you saying goodbye, Jing?"

He sent me a text quote saying : If you love what you're doing, you'll never get bored. same with... If you love that someone, you'll never get tired.

I replied,: I am tired. But it doesn't necessarily mean I don't love you...

What was he thinking when he forwarded me that message??? Lalo nyang ginugulo ang isip ko.

Leche.

A friend forwarded me this message and this hit me so hard:

U know wats sad bout love?

its wen u happen 2 know dat ders jst no hope 4 u bein 2gder yet u stil pray 2 make it work...
its wen ur mind says let go but ur heart says hold on...
its wen u drim of dat person almost evry nyt only 2 wake up in d morning wid tirs in ur eyes...
nd most of ol its wen no mater how u try 2 4get dat person u jst cnt...
coz of d fact dat u love dat person nd u just dnt know y...

So true, Right? well, for me it is... parang ako na rin nga ang sumulat ng quote nato. coz this is exactly what was happening to me!

Now, going back to his question why am i saying goodbye? im not really sure why. Maybe because I don't want us to be just friends. I realize I can't settle for anything but the best. I thought I could still be a part of him if I remain by his side. Be there whenever he needs me, that sort of thing. When I convinced myself to settle for friendship with him, I didn't realize I'd get more than what I was ready to cope. My feelings always get in the way. I'm not sure who to blame. I'm so confused I don't want to think of Him anymore. But how? kung siya lang naman lagi ang laman ng isip ko? Magmura man ako ng ilang beses, di pa rin mawala ang kaguluhan sa isipan ko. Isipin ko man lahat ng nangyari samin at ginawa niya sakin, di ko pa rin magawang magalit. I just love him to the highest level! Punyeta!

I've been trying so hard to avoid him. I no longer reply to his texts, I diverted all my incoming calls to a non-working number, and now, I am planning to change my number. that also, is for the Nth time. And these things hurt me so much. A bigtime sacrifice.

Sana lang din tigilan na lang niya ako, if he doesn't intend to get back with me. If only he'll realize how miserable I am to know that I can touch Him, yet I can't own Him. If only I can say these things to Him. If only I am brave enough...

I just hope that everything turns out fine. Anyway, I always believe that greater things are yet to come.

I Love You and only God knows how much and until when, but for now, For my sanity... Goodbye.

I'm addicted to Facebook

2009-08-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, there, I've admitted it.

I have always thought that addiction referred to drugs, alcohol, and other vices that you couldn’t help but take advantage of, even while knowing the dangers involved therein. But I never once thought that something that in my mind should just be casual/once-in-a-while/when-I-have-a-free-moment-and-the-boss-isn’t-looking kind of fun could be so frustratingly addictive.

I’m always hearing about the renowned Facebook, the “coolest” thing to hit the Web since, well, since the last cool thing. I never felt the slightest desire to join, because I already use friendster, My Blogs (a lot) which takes up a significant amount of my time as it is; so I thought putting my profile on Facebook as well would totally overexpose me, and overexposure is the last thing I’m looking for. lol.

I have often received e-mails from friends or acquaintances inviting me to join Facebook. In order to see members’ detailed profiles, members’ pictures, or see details of an event I’ve gotten invited to, I’d have to be a member of Facebook. So I finally joined. It was a very spontaneous decision that I may live to regret, because as of the morning after joining, I already felt slightly addicted. I never thought that would happen to me and certainly not within hours of joining, but there it is.

By morning I started getting friend invites from members who saw that I had joined, but I can honestly say I don’t recall where I even knew some of these “friends” from or even what they looked like, until I peeked at their photos.

Being someone’s friend on Facebook seems to have many different connotations. A friend can be someone you actually spend time with and talk to on the phone “off the ’Net,” a friend can be someone you see every couple of weeks and say hello to in passing, or a friend can be someone you see at a party once a year. There seems to be no distinction on Facebook between best friend, good friend, or mild acquaintance. Everyone in your network seems to be your new BFF (best friend forever).

Word around town (from Facebook members) is that if you’re not on Facebook, then you are not in the know, and you might be missing out on events and friendships.

Well, what can I say? A week and a half later and I'm officially over Friendster (where I loved finding people to add to my friends list) and I'm on Facebook all of the time. To send a cyber drink to a friend or throw a cow at someone (yes, really) I love or create lists of my favorite things. Answer Quizzes. Do Street Racing. Be part of a Mafia Family. Join a Sorority. Have your own Farm. Make your Pet a Star. Play Poker. It's so much fun! So, if you are on Facebook and want to be friends, look me up and maybe I'll throw a cow at you. Or send you a fruity drink. Or play poker with me or beat me in a race (if you can.lol) If you aren't on there, what are you waiting for?

My LSS for months now!

2009-08-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

Vision?

2009-08-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married and so excited about it!

Oh I know my friends will be shocked, literally, after reading the first line. And how I love to see their faces! Hahaha!

For the record, I am not getting married! No, not yet.

I had a dream, though. And in my dream I was walking down the aisle to meet my groom.

Unfortunately, I didn't see his face.

Geez!

I seldom dream. And when I do, they happen. Creepy, but true. So sometimes, I hate dreams.

Except, of course, if it's a good one! like this one. Keep the faith, Nene! LOL!

Mirror

2009-08-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've been where you are, and God, I know how painful it exactly felt.

I know sweet words aren't really enough to at least ease the pain, but it really does help.

A bit, though.

You asked me if you had a choice.

I told you to either cling to that damn hope of you two getting back together or just move on with your life and deal with the fact that it's just up to there.

You smiled and it was obvious that you opted the first one I suggested.

But Honestly, you really don't have a choice but to let go.

It's bleak, I know, but I guess you just have to deal with reality.

It's really foolish to keep hoping that there's another chance, cause we all know how clear it is that this is really where it's at.

I know you are much willing to take the risk and even if you'd have to take all the shots, I know you'd take them wholeheartedly.

Because above all your shortcomings and all else, you want him back.

Period.

But he needs time and space for himself.

And you can't force that.

“Touch a blogger: Tie a yellow ribbon for Cory Aquino!“

2009-08-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

I would also like to tie a yellow ribbon to show love and respect for our late ex-president Corazon Aquino...

Just Numbers? Nah!

2009-08-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

48 messages in Facebook (Wallposts and Inbox)

21 messages in Friendster (Wallposts and Inbox)

10 messages in Yahoo email

17 offline and online messages in YM

30 text messages

An awesome date with a great guy

Great Family, Great Friends

One Loving God

-------------------------------------------------------

Total: 1 Strong Woman and 31 years of Colorful Life!

I'm old...

2009-07-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

…so what?! nyahahaha!

Not so old though! But it wont be for long till I'm all wrinkled, lost my tooth, got my hair grey...

Whatever!

As long as I live the life that I want, I'll be forever grateful, satisfied, fulfilled...

Happy 31st Birthday to me!!!

and it’s ok to be old as long as i’m…

Happy (haha!)

Pretty (hahaha!) and

Sexy (nyahahahahahaha!)

Being Jing is not easy but I’m having fun…a lot of lessons learned…more rooms for improvement…

I wanna thank God for the 31 years of Happiness and Sadness, Success and Failures, Hopes and Despair, Love and Hatred…

I wanna thank all those people who loved me, people continue loving me and people who, may not love me, but still there for me. Thank you for the love & friendship you all shared with me.

For all its worth, I wanna say sorry to those people i hurt, people i’ve done wrong,people i lied to, people who loves me but i didnt notice, people i disregard, people already forgotten… "tao lang po, sorry naman"…

To my ANGELS, if only i could turn back time, i would cared for you more and cared for my feelings less…if only i could turn back time, id thought of you first… if only i could turn back time… but no one can… God has other plans, let his will be done. The day I lost you was the day i died but you brought me to life and made me stronger. Thank you for being an inspiration…I Love You and I know you’re watching me from wherever you are…I’ll keep you safe here in my heart.

enough. no more dramas! hehehe!

Let’s all be happy! celebrate Love and Life with me!

Inuman Na!!! (na naman???!!!)

Solid!

2009-07-28T10:03:00.001-07:00

Old friends are like photographs
you file them in your mind
they're there for you to reminisce
time after time.

You make new acquaintances
as the years roll along
but you never forget the old ones
long after they're gone.

They're like a good old movie
on a cold lonely day
you talk with them it's like
they never went away...

(with me are my bestfriends, Yanny and Shing)

Thank You!

2009-07-27T08:51:00.001-07:00

I give thanks for the hard times,
for they made me strong.
I give thanks for the lean times,
for they made a giver.
I give thanks for the loneliness;
it taught me to be a friend.
I give thanks for the hunger
that taught me to share.
I give thanks for the tears,
that taught me to smile.
I am grateful to the darkness
for it helped me find the light.
I give thanks for the storm
and the pain and the fear
that made me a survivor.
I give thanks for the gift of words;
and as long as there is air to breathe
and light to see, and lessons to learn,
to share the blessing,
on this day and always, I will write.

HIM

2009-07-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

He lay there sleeping innocently through the wind and the storm that was slowly taking over her in her mind. Soundly sleeping unaware of the confusion, denial, and the constant urge to touch him which she had been fighting, almost unsuccessfully, all night.

Only inches away from her, she could feel his sweet warmth as they shared a cramped bed. It was all she could think about. It was all she craved for at that moment.

Body warmth, the warmth of another’s touch, the feel of skin upon glorious skin and flesh upon flesh but more importantly it was his touch and his warmth and his flesh in particular that she had been craving for all night. His innocent heat, his sweet breath upon the air she shared with him, it was slowly driving her over the edge.

It was like the last memorable vision of a person before going blind, doubting forever and insanely wondering if the image she remembers is accurate and true. A thousand and one thoughts of him stroking his hair, hugging him, holding his hand, placing her hand on his shoulder and of her kissing him, and kissing him, and kissing him, filled her head like a kaleidoscope of lust filled images. It left her wondering if whether she truly did like him or whether she just want to be loved, to feel the warmth.
The warmth of anyone who could, or rather who would return the warmth in which she was so desperate to give and even more desperate to receive. she could do nothing more than feign sleep beside him, closing her eyes and yet still watching his every move, his every breath.

And in pretending to be asleep, sleep finally came to her. Yet even in her dreams he haunted her, like a ghost with too much time on their hands. she dreamed of future and past denials, arguments with him and herself, a thousand faceless, nameless people and women. she dreamed of the warmth that a loved one brings the biting emptiness and cold, which she was so used to. she dreamed of life, of death and of love. And as she dreamed she felt him moving beside her in the way a sleeping person slowly tosses and turns.

Sheets slowly moved, the warmth of a blanket adding to his warmth, which was so close and yet unreachable and untouchable. The cold air from the fan insanely accentuating the warmth that emanated from him. she wanted to run, to turn somewhere, anywhere but here. she wanted to smash her head again and again, and again against the nearest wall. Anything to relieve her of what she wanted and yet could not have. she wanted to imagine that she didn’t like him, as if he were nothing to her, as if his smiles couldn’t melt the icebergs within her heart, but alas she couldn’t.
All she could do was traverse the thin line between the waking and the dreaming hoping that she could find solace in dreams. She was his friend and she was his; there was no changing this fact. A normal friendship so to speak except for the tension filled moments when her mind wavered and she felt that he could be more than just a friend.

Those moments were filled with hidden glances, “accidental” brushes of skin and the like which she, almost always, when caught gave thousands upon thousands of excuses for. Sometimes even placing the blame, if ever there was any, on his to alleviate any hints of her feelings for him.

Her mind now became unsure of the once stable friendship that they once had. Wondering whether to pursue this feeling she had and in the process giving up her friendship and dropping down her guard. It was how she felt even in her dreams and upon waking and seeing him sleeping beside her, so close and yet so far, she felt…more annoyed.

Annoyed at the situation she was in and even more annoyed at the way she acted or rather the way she failed to act whenever he was near. Annoyed at the words she clumsily put together whenever he would talk to her and of the thousands upon thousands of phrases, words, and lines, which she practiced night after night, that never even reached her lips.

But no one could blame her for feeling this way. It was the only way she knew how to react given this type of unknown situation.
It was natural a human reaction. she was only human after all… only human, she repeated again and again to herself in the hopes of her finding some reason to make things a little more bearable.
Then suddenly he turned around, facing her as he slept. she could see his face as clear as crystal even in the pitch-black room. It was as if he were glowing in the nighttime air. she closed her eyes doing everything possible, thinking of anything and everything to circumvent her temptations of holding him just once, of just stroking his hair, of just stealing one sweet kiss.
It was a different kind of hell for her as she closed her eyes and went numb and void of all feeling. The nine circles of hell combined all into one plus a tenth circle would be a close estimate to what she was going through.

she wanted to bash her head again and again against a wall.
she wanted to feel the crimson red heat of her blood and bits of her brain slowly dripping down her forehead, insanely, could chew rubber or steel, annoyed at her predicament.
she could do nothing… nothing but to look away and close her eyes and to let herself drown in her dreams and to let the storm of her mind rage on.

Edge of Reality

2009-07-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

"History repeats itself" but, do I have to allow it or not, is the main point why I need a lot of thinking to do...

I’m stranded on the jagged edge of reality
clinging to the echoes that drawn in mist of midnight
teetering on a mirage of self-awareness
striping away memories yellowed with the varnish of time
mired in the fog of denial
shackled to heartbreak’s tarnished dreams
wondering if I will ever awake from this nightmare
and query why it is that I am not asleep

(It just goes to show that what I do is unrelated to what I know and my feelings don't have a brain...)

I wish... I wish

2009-07-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

star light, star bright
first star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish for love....so totally pure
I wish for strength....so proud and sure
I wish for warmth....for ever to last
I wish that I could...remove this mask

Star light, star bright, please hear my wish
I'm afraid if you don't, it's my dreams that you'll miss
I wish that people could....learn to smile
I wish the world could....rest awhile

I wish that I had....a heart of gold
I wish my arms could....vanish the cold
I wish that there could be...world peace
I wish that war and hatred... would cease.

I wish that for all illnesses... there could be a cure
I wish that all man's hearts be pure
I wish there would....be no sin
I wish that everyone could be called friend.

First star, my star so bright
my beacon my guiding light
Heed my words for I need you so
I wish...I wish...well you already know.

deja vu

2009-07-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was going to reflect...analytically, of course. How it seems that though thoughts still course through this brain of mine, I have no feel to write them all down, get them all out.

But really, I am simply swallowing them...there is no bottle-neck slowing the stream, breaking things up in transition. No, there is only pride, only fear, only self-doubt to blame.

I am feeling like a new chapter is opening up in the book of my life, something that I damn well should document considering all the despair, loneliness and anxiety i've written out of me in the past--and surely will again in the future.

I just can't get past the feeling.

Maybe that's it. Or have you read this before...different space, different time, same fuel.

Addicted

2009-07-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am online, I didn't feel how time flies so quickly... I must admit I placed myself in a cyber space that made me occupied for nothing.LOL!

Lately, aside from the usual stuff like work, i've been spending most of my time Online. Facebook, Friendster- not much, Games on Facebook like YOVILLE, MAFIA WARS, SORORITY LIFE and PET SOCIETY.

I would spend minimum of 12hours on a regular day and minimum of 15hrs during Offs. whew!

Chatting is also one of the reasons why i stay up so late infront of my PC!

and of course Blogging. Oh by the way, I have some negative feelings lately and I prefer not to blog about it. maybe later.

And where am I today? I'm still sitting here in the privacy of my cold, dark room playing online games, wishing for something better to do and something real to hope for...LOL!

(photos taken using webcam- blurred? I know right!!!)

Nalulungkot ako...

2009-07-12T05:27:00.000-07:00

...ngunit bakit 'di ko maisulat ang mga katagang magluluwal ng aking kalungkutan? Nais kong iluha ng aking panulat ang mga kinitil na pangarap, ang mga ugnayang nwasak, ang mga nwaglit na pangako at ang mga sandaling lumipad sa alapaap...subalit ipinagkakait ng aking diwa ang mga salita.

Marahil, hapo na ang aking katawan.
Nanuot na ang kalungkutan sa mga buto ko't kalamnan. Sinaid na nito ang aking lakas. Siniil hanggang maagnas ang bawat bahagi na aking kabuuan. Pinilit kong iunat ang aking kamay, ngunit ang mga daliri ko'y unti-unting dinurog ng kapaguran.

Marahil, bangag na ang aking isipan.
Sinakluban na ng kalungkutan ang mapaglaro kong utak. Hinigop na nito ang aking imahinasyon. Pinagod sa kahahanap ng sagot sa mga tanong na walang tiyak na hangganan. Pinilit kong hagilapin ang mga salita, ngunit ang mga salita'y isa-isang nawalan ng kahulugan.

Marahil, manhid na ang aking kaluluwa.
Dinukot na ng kalungkutan ang malaya kong puso. Kinuyom sa kanyang palad. Piniga hanggang ang lahat ng damdamin ay tumagas. Pinilit kong damhin ang pighati, ngunit ang mga imahe'y dahan-dahanh nilamon ng kawalan.

Nais kong magsulat ukol sa 'di tumitilang ulan, sa 'di makaunawang kadiliman, o kaya'y sa 'di matahak na daan... subalit lahat ng ito'y wala nang kabuluhan.

Ako'y hindi na ako.
Nakalulungkot...

(a repost)

hoping...

2009-07-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been feeling quite ambivalent about my life. I’m on the road to achieving some of my goals: I’m working where I want to be working, all the pieces are in place for me to start making my life what I want it to be.

But there never seems to be enough time. Time to work and achieve all my professional goals. Time to relax and pursue my hobbies. Time to work out and keep fit. Time to get enough sleep. It seems that something always has to be sacrificed, usually my sanity.

Sometimes I wonder whether I really am on the road to achieving my goals, or if I’ve gotten stuck on the circular track called the rat race, forever running forward, never getting anywhere.

I think one of the big problems that I have is that I want things to be perfect, and I want them to be perfect right now. I’m trying to learn to live in the moment and enjoy the process of becoming.

2009-07-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Geocities is closing...

I already removed important files there just to make sure.

Hope no other sites im maintaining will close in the next future. Like this blogsite? If that happens, where will I put all my posts? And where will I blog? look for another site?

hmmm.. tiring... And I cant afford to pay another site! LOL!

Missing you, I guess...

2009-07-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Long years pass, but I still think of you,

Holding you only in my dreams makes me blue,

Wondering what you are doing now,

Remembering your beautiful eyes still somehow,

Can you picture that first day,

Those feelings that never go away,

I tremble still, feeling that simple touch on my skin,

The silent currents that thinking of you start once again,

So handsome riding alongside me on your fiery steed,

Trying to explain your intoxicating need,

Day after day,

Year after year,

I was the girl next door,

I need you, I heard you implore,

Lets take a walk,

We need to talk,

But we are from two different worlds I said,

Unknown lives, we would both come to dread,

I still remember you like it was today,

I wish you love, peace and happiness every day,

I do still wonder...

If you ever think of me.

Sounds great, right?

2009-07-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

And so we went out And it was a friendly date!

We watched Transformers2. Cool Movie. [ will have my review later]

after the movie, we had dinner and after dinner, tambay sa Fastbytes to kill time. And mother of all coincidences, his ex was just a table away from Us! I asked him if he wants to move to another table, but he said, its ok. I felt strange. that's the very first time ive experienced to be seen with an ex, by an ex. gets?

And so we continue, talking about what happened between us, what happened to us after "us", and a lot of things. He doesnt want to hear my stories about me dating other guys, so we just stick on talking about things we used to do. Corny nga kako sabi ko! and all this time, his ex was just there sitting, drinking something from starbucks. And all this time, i have this feeling so strange i cant explain what is.

five minutes before 11pm, we said our goodbyes. no kiss. not even hold hands.

Im so proud of myself! LOL!

what?

2009-07-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

Im still deciding if i'll renew my Authorsden account or will just use this blogsite to keep my works...

nuninuninu...

Oh Well...

2009-06-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

surprise! surprise! may ex-bf,Patrick, texted me and said Hi.

after almost 3 months, ngayon lang uli kami nagkausap. He said, his gf just broke up with him after a month of being together. Im not sure what to feel or what to say about their breakup so I just listened.

Ang sarap naman sa pakiramdam na your ex was confiding on you. And of cors, i also have my share of kwento!

I told him about Yam. I ended whatever we have ngapala-- Me and Yam, I mean. When we talked last Saturday, i told him what we have wont work. I dont want him to expect. I want him to have a life there in the states. etc. etc. Again, he doesnt approved but he understood. Uuwi pa din daw siya ng december. haay!

quote for the day

2009-06-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? --- Charles Schulz

Weird!

2009-06-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

I was updating my Friendster account when i happen to see an Ad.

Friendster promoting Facebook!

What's up with that, huh?!

The Ying to my Yang

2009-06-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am not looking for someone who completes me. I am complete in and of myself. I am looking for someone who complements me, whose dreams and values and ideas of living jive with mine, but not necessarily mirror them.

The catch here is that before I find that someone, I have to know myself. My quirks and needs, my dreams and desires, my sense of identity and purpose in this world. That special someone, whoever he is, has to know himself as well, and be open and honest and comfortable with his emotions.

Then, together, we can find out how our lives fit together, strengthening and supporting each other while growing to reach mutual heights of love, passion, and fulfillment.

moving on...

2009-06-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

Nakakapanghinayang magdelete ng posts... Pero kailangan eh. Parte ng tinatawag na "moving on".

Katatapos ko lang linisin tong blog site ko at handa na akong magsimula ulit.

panibagong yugto at panibagong pahina ng aking buhay...

Sino Ba Si Yam?

2009-06-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

"How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there is an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life"

... sino ba namang hindi makakakilala sa linyang yan di ba? at sino ba namang magsasabing magagamit ko pala yang kantang yan! hachu!

Ganyan ko ilalarawan si Yam...

"I remembered so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile "



Wrong sent. ganun nagumpisa ang storya namin.
Sino rin magsasabing magkakaron pala ako ng ganito diba??
Anyway, Di sya naniwala. tinawagan nya ko.
nalaman nyang hindi nga ako yung kumpare
na gusto sana nyang makausap.
Tinanong nya ko kung 3G daw ba phone ko.
sabi ko OO. binabaan ako ng telepono!!!
Lech! kako sa isip ko. pero wala pang isang minuto,
nagring na uli phone ko.
Siya ulit.
VideoCall!
And the rest is history...


"My life has started to change
When i wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine"


Masyado pa kong nageemote dahil sa nangyari samin ng ex ko
nung dumating si Yam sa buhay ko.
Di pa ko ready sa isang relasyong may commitment.
Hindi OK sa kanya pero tanggap nya.
Masaya namin kami. walang commitment. walang hassle.
Sabi nya, isang araw magigising na lang daw ako
na mahal ko na siya.
Confident ang loko! hehehe!
Magsimula nung nakilala ko si Yam,
nakalimutan ko na lahat ng problema ko sa puso.
Nawala ang galit. Nawala ang panghihinayang.
Tinulungan niya akong maibalik ang dating Ako.


"I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much ...I'm thankful to you"

Sinadya kong iedit ang last line.
supposed to be, No words can express how much I Love You.
Di pa ko dumarating dun sa point
na masasabi kong mahal ko na siya.
Masaya ako, OO. pero hindi yun sapat.
Hindi lang siya ang lolokohin ko, pati sarili ko.
Kaaalis lang niya pabalik ng US.
natanggap na siya sa inapplyan nyang law firm dun.
He asked me to go there with him.
He asked me to marry him.
i declined both.
haba ng hair ko no? hehehe...
He said he'll be back by december,
At sana magbago daw sagot ko.

Any girl would want to have Yam as BF.
gwapo. mayaman. lawyer.
Any girl would want him as her husband.
Any girl would want to have him...but Me...
or maybe not yet. not now.

We still talk everyday.
we chat.
see each other thru webcam.
We still treat each other as bf-gf minus the commitment.

Maybe its time for me to use the line:

Its not You,Yam. its me... LOL!

Sickly Me

2009-06-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

that tired feeling from yesterday ended up being the start of a fever. am feeling really crappy today. have a headache and fever, and my body aches all over. no work for me today.

Scarpetta

2009-05-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

After Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Regency Romances, Paulo Coelho, etc... I am now a fan of Patricia Cornwell' Scarpetta Series.

Im trying to get all the books, unfortunately, I cant find them all!

I buy all my books from Booksale, kasi mura.. hehehe... I'd like to have the complete series in Hardbound sana pero yung mga naunang series e hindi na available. Softbound na lang.

Di bale na... Basta makumpleto ko to!

LSS

2009-05-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

I finally gave in to the music I kept hearing in my head. Ever since I got this computer, I had refrained from downloading any mp3s, or even any software that plays music. I had content myself with Windows Media Player for the few times that I needed to listen to any sound files.

But I guess I couldn’t resist for long. There was this song that kept playing in my head, and I wanted to be able to listen to the song whenever I wanted to, instead of waiting for it to come on the radio.

God sent Me an Angel

2009-05-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was walking along one calm and cloudy day
Feeling down about the problems that had seemed to come my way
My pain was very great and my tears I could not hide
And was calling God to help me as I was hurting deep inside

I then thought about what I’ve believed and how I’ve rarely called
For sometimes I have wondered if God were there at all
As I lifted up my head and looked down that road a spell
I spotted someone coming - from the distance hard to tell

As he got a little closer I could then see all the signs
Of someone who’d been down that road quite a number of times
His clothes were old and dusty and his shoes were pretty worn
But there seemed a glow about him - at least I could have sworn

His face appeared real friendly as he peered up in the sky
He said, the weather is pretty calm today, hope the rain will pass us by
He first talked about the weather, but there seemed to be much more
That we both had in common, except for what we wore

He started talking about his life and the places he had been
And he spoke as if he knew me, like we were next-of-kin
From the problems that he had, to the happy times he found
Our likeness was uncanny and was becoming more profound

We had so much in common - I couldn’t believe how much alike,
That I decided to tag along, we continued on our hike
He said he’s from all over and his name was just like mine,
And hoped one day that we would meet as he had a real short time

I was feeling sort of baffled, as we went on with our walk
But he had held my interest, so I listened as he talked
He said, I know you’re hurting - as your life has been so hard
But it seems today that you found God, where once you’d disregard

From the point that I was calling and was asking for God’s hand,
Is the point where he had first appeared, as this was in God’s plan
He said to take more time for prayer - that I could bend God’s ear
That He is always listening, and He is always near

God knows about my struggles but better times will be ahead,
As long as I keep believing and will no longer be mislead.
We then turned onto a sidewalk and now very close to home,
And it was then it struck me that I was suddenly now alone.

This stopped me in my tracks and I began to call his name
And it was then I understood, why to me that day he came.
I then realized God had heard me, as my Angel He then sent
To relieve me of my worries, and all my discontent.

BZ...

2009-05-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

whoah! its been a while since i’ve gone online. i’ve been a bit busier, but i still have some free time left somehow. i just don’t spend it here as often. hmm… parang tinatamad pa ako magkwento. maybe a bit later.

Puerto Galera April 17 to 19, 2009

2009-04-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

First time ko to sa Galera. Ok naman. Pero hindi katulad ng inaasahan ko nung naririnig kong mga papuri ng ibang taong nakapunta na dun. Kung tutuusin, mas maganda pa sa Puerto Azul. dun talaga napa-WOW ako!

Anyway, I had so much fun. At yun naman ang importante di ba?

Umalis kami ng Office pasado alas-3. Commute lang kami. Ako, TL Yanna, April at bf nyang si Joel, Si Red at si Belle. At sa loob ng mahigit 1 oras na byahe sa bus papuntang batangas pier alam na namin ni TL Yanna ang lovelife ng bawat isa!

At Mahigit 1 oras ulit ang mahilo-mahilong byahe sa Bangka papuntang Puerto Galera. Di naman ito first time ko na sumakay ng bangka pero first time na maexperience ko ang ganung kalakas na alon! at sa tulong ng pakikinig ng music at walang patid na yosi, nakarating din ako ng Galera ng hindi nasuka!

pagkatapos naming makahanap ng mejo mura murang matutuluyan,e naghanap naman kami ng masarap na makakainan. Sagot ni Tl Yanna! hehehe!

At ano pa nga ba ang susunod na pwedeng gawin? Tattoo Galore!

Naglibot at Uminom at Naligo sa dagat na parang tubig baha-- hahaha. Yun ang ginawa namin nung unang gabi sa Galera.

Kinabukasan, dumating sina Yna At Kate. Sumunod din si Akee. Nakasama rin namin si Dinky (GF nyang si Nina e andun din sa Galera dahil sa trabaho nya).

Kumain, Maglibot, Uminom, Maligo at Uminom pa ng Uminom! Sa loob ng 3 araw, puro yun ang ginawa namin!

We party hard! At nakakatuwa yung mga bading na sumayaw ng Single Ladies! badtrip lang yung mga lasing na ginawang dance floor yung upuan namin! Well, nakaganti naman ako by using their clothes as "basahan"! wahaha!

Gugustuhin ko pa din sigurong bumalik dun.. dahil sa ambience, dahil sa Mindoro Sling, dahil sa Videoke, dahil sa bading na sumayaw ng Single Ladies, at dahil Lakwatsera ako! Yun Yun!

2009-04-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

one thing i realized just now: when i entered into the relationship i wasn’t really thinking about what i wanted and what i expected from it. i didn’t ask him what entering into a relationship meant to him. i guess i just wanted to be swept off my feet. and i was. more than i ever expected to be.

and so now, i plan to enter a relationship with more thought involved. that doesn’t mean i plan to overthink and analyze the romance out of it. i just want both of us to know what we are getting ourselves into and what we expect to put into the relationship.

2009-04-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

things will turn out for the best in the end.
i know that for sure.
i just wish i knew exactly how things will turn out.
but i guess that’s part of the mystery in living.

2009-04-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

hey… am still online. am just bored, looking for interesting sites and all that. what to do, what to do.

All The Single Ladies!!!

2009-04-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

Do you ever notice, when you're single, there aren't any decent prospects available? But when you're in a relationship, members of opposite sex seem to come out of the woodwork. Suddenly, everyone wants you!

Why? Many people talk about this strange, feast or famine phenomenon and can't figure out why it happens.

I have a theory.

Have you ever looked in a pet store window and watched a litter of puppies at play? Bear with me, there is a point here, I promise!

So, you peer through the window, tap on the glass, and watch the response of the pups. Let's say there are three fuzzy little applicants; one has its frightened head buried under its paws, one is dozing and snacking off and on, and one is dancing and strutting proudly-- and probably would be even if you weren't coaxing. Which of these puppies do you like best? if you were going to take one home, which would it be?

This metaphor is what I call " The doggie in the window theory". Think about it; when you're single, you may not bury your head in your paws, but you probably won't hold your head quite as high either, because you're distracted by paranoid concerns. Do you look all right? You must be cautious to say all the right things. And are you an overall attractive package to any onlookers? And the nights that you're tires of the single scene, you opt to rent a flick, pop some popcorn and fall asleep on the couch rather than do something fun or pamper yourself.

On the other hand, when you're happy, you strut proudly because you feel the validation and contentment of your relationship. The person you're seeing thinks you're hot; therefore, you must be hot. You are relaxed, vibrant, and you dont try to impress anyone by putting on airs. How attractive is that!

There lies the problem. Why is it that we need other people to validate us? If you cant love yourself, no one else can love you. And if you dont love yourself, it's hard to let others love you. Sounds simple, but most of us have to do a great deal of soul searching in order to be the person that we want to be and appreciate what we have to offer our family, friends and lovers.

On the bright side, we must realize that the people who find us irresistible when we are already spoken for and content with our partners are merely dazzled by our happiness. As much as misery loves company, happiness draws fans. People want to be close to happiness in the hopes that it will rub off; that's why they are drawn to you.

Experts agree: Love is contagious. If you love yourself, others will love you too!

2009-03-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

now i’m scared, doubting what i did. nagpapakatanga ba ako?

i don’t want to live my life regretting that i didn’t try my best to fix things between us. or if not to fix things, then to end them properly.

A Repost

2009-03-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

I used to think that I was still a child but so many things push me to mature, push me to age, push me to be an adult. I used to feel like an in-between, not knowing whether I am a child or a woman. I'd like to think that for now, I am who I want myself to be...

I can be what you want to see but I refuse to be dictated on how I should be.

i aspire to be someone. I want to be seen and to be heard and be told that I count. I want to become known for being somebody and for doing something. Someday, I know I'll be able to earn that for myself.

Maybe tomorrow, or later today, who knows? But I know it will happen.

I will make it happen...

2009-03-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

I had stuff I wanted to mention but of course now that I am typing stuff, I can't remember any of it!

Ah well, another time perhaps.

Goodnight!

2009-03-15T03:02:00.000-07:00

Some people just can't let go.
Some people just cant accept the fact that there's nothing left to hold onto.

I am not one of them.

As I've learned in many painful ways that I wont be helping myself if I continue to cling to something or someone that is no longer there or doesn't want to be there with me anymore...

Pray and Forgive

2009-03-08T04:57:00.000-07:00

Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:44)

Have you ever watched a movie about a superhero and wondered how they lived through all those adventures? They get shot at, blown up, fall from twenty stories, and still finish without a scratch. But you don’t have to be Superman to love your enemies. It really is possible for an ordinary human being to do it.

So how can we do it? With a dose of reality and a lot of divine grace.

Unlike superheroes, we don’t heal so easily. That’s the dose of reality. We may even want to forgive someone, but their actions have left scars on our hearts, and those scars don’t go away by themselves. We may have been devastated by a heartbreaking separation, the loss of a job, or a loved one’s untimely death. Perhaps we were abused, rejected, or betrayed by someone we trusted. To one degree or another, we all carry these kinds of wounds.

We may have resigned ourselves to carrying these wounds around, and we may even think they are just part of life. But the truth is, these scars can block our ability to love as Jesus asks us to. And here is where the divine grace comes in. If something is holding us back, Jesus wants to set us free from it, whether it happened last week or twenty years ago.

How can you begin to experience Jesus’ healing power in these painful areas of your life? Try sitting quietly in prayer, imagining him sitting next to you. Tell him about what may be hurting you. Be open and honest, and tell him why you feel the way you do. Look into his eyes, and see the love and compassion there. Then, listen in your heart. You may sense Jesus comforting you or guiding you or taking away the pain from the past. Don’t worry if you think it’s just your imagination. That’s how God works sometimes. He will use anything to restore you and make you whole!

“Lord, I bring my wounds to you, knowing that by your wounds you have set me free. I want to be an instrument of your peace, so help me first to pardon those who have hurt me.”

Deuteronomy 26:16-19; Psalm 119:1-2,4-5,7-8

2009-02-27T03:12:00.000-08:00

I believe that I'm beginning more comfortable with solitude.

I find the quiet and the freedom exhilarating!

I do tend to talk to myself though but it's great to be able to do what you want when you want to...

2009-02-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

It seemed like I had found myself in Him and that I would never have to let go. He was different. Well, maybe he wasn't-- it just seemed like he was. he stood out from the rest, probably because I liked him that much. The phone calls and texts seemed so special even if there's nothing to talk about much. The short chats online would stay saved on the computer for times I needed comfort. The short visits he'd make would almost be like a grand event--even worthy of a count down. Every moment with him mattered and I was happy. I was truly happy it was almost unreal. My life seemed like a fairytale when he came into my life but not all fairytales end up happy-- I learned that the hard way.

I felt both devastated and angry. I knew there had to be a reason for me to feel that way. I was broken. I wanted to cry but the tears would not fall. I wanted to hit him to make him feel the pain in my heart but on the other hand, I wanted to hug him and keep him close in the hopes of making him be with me. But I know I couldn't. We cannot be together even if he wants me as much as I wanted him.It felt like a thousand blades piercing me all at one time.

It was hard to let go of the thought of him wanting me. I held on to it because I had nothing else to hold on to. I never thought the day would come when I would finally tell myself that I am over him and that I don't need him anymore. I never thought I would regret even loving someone as much as I loved him. I never thought I would hate, as I never thought I would fall in love.

2009-02-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

lately i’ve been missing him again. and crying. the crying part is ok, it doesn’t last as long as it used to. i could remember the times we were there together. i could almost feel him beside me, with his arm around me. hayy.

what happened to us? is there anything i can do to make all this better?

haay...

2009-02-05T04:04:00.000-08:00

I was thinking last night as I often do about work and stuff going on and I started to write something up but I didnt think it was appropriate. But the thinking certainly was. One of the things that I was thinking about home was thatI really stressed and feeling pretty overwhelmed.

I did however make a decision. I dont know how easy it is going to be to implement but basically, I decided I dont care. of course it's more complicated than that but I've decided to not get stressed. Sounds simple but in reality I dont know if its possible.

So that's that. i wonder how it will turn out going along.

2009-02-02T10:37:00.000-08:00

just an entry to say i’m still alive. i actually have been sorta keeping up with my journaling, but i haven’t been able to type in all my entries yet since i have quite the backlog.

also, i’ll probably be redesigning my site. new year, new site.

2009-01-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

a minor thingie… can’t seem to get the archives working properly. aargh!!

hmm.. what’s the big deal anyway, i haven’t even decided whether to go public with this blog or what. why do i blog anyway?

mainly because, for me it is an outlet. it is a way to express my feelings and thoughts, especially when i am troubled. it’s also something to do when i’m bored.

so to whom am i expressing these feelings? wala lang. wala naman akong audience eh. so far, this blog is for me and me alone. however, i may decide in the future to go public. why? so that people will know me better? so that when i rant here, i can feel that someone is listening and may even care about the bits and pieces of my life.

so what have i decided? wala muna. lets just keep this a private blog in the meantime.

2009-01-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

i was crying awhile ago over a book. I know this sounds crazy but I really can't help it.

Well, there's no denying it... my book buying habit is completely out of control!

i'm not usually an impulsive shopper, but let me loose in a bookstore and its over!

You think I need help? LOL!

2009-01-15T09:49:00.000-08:00

haven’t posted much, but i haven’t really been that busy. like today.

today was supposed to be a productive day. i had lined up several things for me to do. and i ended up napping the whole afternoon. oh well. what am i to do. me sleepyhead!

2009-01-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Some days are just so ordinary that they pass you by without you even noticing. You get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, then go to sleep. Everything is ordinary. Everything is routine. If everyday your life is like that, then what you have is an ordinary life.

I don't ever want to have to settle for the routine and ordinary. Life is too short not to make the most of each day...

2009-01-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't a clue what I'm about to say

But I have things on my mind that just wont go away

I fall into sleep then wake up for work

I'll eat in between 'till I need to repeat

My life is so boring I'm never fulfilled

Whenever I'm happy I'm soon cursing the world

what am I saying I dont really know

But I know deep down I just want to leave up and go

2009-01-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

as promised--

and now, i write. i write to capture the bits and pieces of my life, instead of lettng them slip by unnoticed. i write so that i evaluate my life as i live it, which helps me recreate my life into exactly the way i want it.

uh-oh, here i go again waxing sentimental on my blog’s role in my life. let’s just proceed to the updates, shall we?

2009-01-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

i miss blogging. there have been days when i would think to myself, “this would be a good thing to blog” when something particularly interesting happens.

after spending most of this day brain dead, i believe i am discovering even more aspects of myself that i have allowed to lay dormant for too long. i have begun to rediscover myself as a writer through blogging.

I also miss writing poems.. oh well, maybe this is a good day, to write a new one!

Starting Over!

2009-01-01T01:37:00.000-08:00

I have missed doing it. I decided I will start all over again. Yeah, I will write and blog again!

It's been a while,huh? and it's been hard for me to not do one of the things that make me complete.

So here I am... collecting thoughts, reminiscing moments...

A New year, A better Me!

Despite It All

2007-10-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

Despite the place,
That I’m now in,
This corner of my life,
That tells where I’ve been…

Despite the set backs,
That I face,
Or of the tears,
That leave a trace…

Despite the time,
That distance brings,
Or life’s little quirks,
And all other things…

Despite that fact,
That I still live,
Memories of a past,
I can’t forgive…

Despite the rains,
That flood the trail,
Despite life’s winds,
A force of gale…

Despite the moon,
Laying hidden behind,
The tracks I time,
Within my mind…

Despite harsh words,
Whispered aloud,
Or of the sun,
Behind the clouds…

Despite the way,
Life comes about,
My love for you,
There is no doubt…

hmmm...

2007-08-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

meron na namang gumamit ng article ko without asking my permission. but in fairness they didnt delete my name. pampalubag loob, credit is still mine. but just the same, without permission is without permission!

haay… sabagay at fault ako coz lam ko naman everyone and everybody using net can just copy-paste anything and everything they want. just hope the people behind the www.myagentofvalue.com would be kind enough to reply my email the soonest time possible.

you may visit the site and check my article if you want. it was posted april of this year. but i wrote that years ago for the company newsletter of globe telecom.

aside from yahoo.com and authorsden.com , you can also search me, i mean my works, pala thru bengisu.net search engine. now ko lang nalaman tong search engine na to.

anyway, stay happy everyone!

Can't stop writing!

2007-08-24T03:45:00.000-07:00

I can’t stop writing; my hand is a lava flow,

There are those who are trying to stop me,

For reasons I don’t know,

But still I pick up a pen and write from my heart.

So what if I don’t have proper grammar,

Isn’t poetry meant to come from the soul?

When I write, it is a river racing,

The current gushing with untamed emotion.

When I write, I don’t think, I feel,

Express myself in terms that I understand.

I don’t write for you, I write for me,

Words that sometimes beg for love and understanding,

This is called dealing with this bitch

Of a world where people fight

But I don’t need to fight, coz in my reality,

That consists of a notebook full of love poetry,

That consists of a person whose love makes the day shine in harmony,

I am at the top of the mountain peak,

No dark clouds in the horizon.

I can’t stop writing, because it is my life,

And I’ll write HOW I want because that is

What free style - not to mention, freedom of speech

Is all about.

Perhaps without tears

2007-08-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

All seems strangely quiet to her,

As if the world is silently floating by,

Unreal and dreamlike.

Her world isn’t a dreamland though.

Her dream has turned out to be just that—a dream.

She is supposed to be over this by now.

That is what she tells herself.

She isn’t though.

Memories flood back into her mind.

Memories of what use to be and isn’t any more.

She will never be able to look at him like that anymore.

A special smile or tender gaze will never be shared again.

There are other regrets.

Yes, so many regret.

Why hadn’t she taken advantage of more opportunities

To let him know how special he was?

How much she cared?

She can’t anymore.

That is why the tears are streaming down her face.

Perhaps the tears are a little selfish.

She’s crying because she’s hurt,

Because she cant be with the man that meant so much to her.

She has to get through this.

She knows she will.

She is working through it.

Yesterday hadn’t ended this way.

Perhaps tomorrow will end without the tears.

endure!

2007-08-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life hits with many trials and challenges. What does a person do? Trials come to make you strong, but in the midst of going through most of us can’t see that. One never sees the purpose of a process in the midst of the process, but it is in hindsight that the individual can look back and be thankful for the process. So what to do in the midst of life’s many trials and challenges, endure. There is a saying that the race is not for the swift and the strong, but those who endure to the end. I believe it, ask anyone who has had any measure of success in their lives. We can all start out strong and fast, but reaching the end is determined by our ability to endure. So endure…

My best wasnt good enough…

2007-08-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

I am….

I am but a woman

Trying, but often failing

To be the best that I can be

In this crazy, mixed-up

Existance we call Life…

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

2007-08-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

I do not love you except because I love you;

I go from loving to not loving you, From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it’s you the one I love;

I hate you deeply, and hating you

Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you

Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume

My heart with its cruel Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story

I am the one who Dies, the only one,

and I will die of love because I love you,

Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

by: PABLO NERUDA

Wazzup?!

2007-08-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

I miss blogging… As if?! nyahaha! i was sick so i missed friendster and all the time i was resting all i think of is what to blog! Addict! hehehe!

before anything else, thank you to all my friends and my not so friends (hihi!) who remembered me on my birthday. thank you to all those people who partied with me (yea,party people!), got drunk with me(slurppppp!), got wasted (?!) with me (nyehehe!), and wala lang with me! Thank you, thank you talaga…

Tapos, wanna say sorry to those who were asking for a copy of the old poems and articles posted here in my blog. I also dont have copy. I wasnt thinking right when i deleted them. sorry naman! I wanted to delete my friendster account pa nga eh! im glad i didnt! sobrang windang lang that time. anyway, i promise to make new poems and will post something here as often as i can. good thing i have access to net even at work. Ayt?

what else? what’s new? well, nothing much. will keep you posted naman pag meron eh.

till next time! ciao!

Loving Yourself

2007-08-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

In life, we may find it easy to allow ourselves to love and accept multitudes of other people, but when it comes to loving ourselves we're not as forgiving. In fact, we can be quite relentless in our pursuit of perfection. So, how then do you learn to put aside all the shoulds and should nots we face, and really begin a love affair with yourself?

The first step is to realize that you are somebody. You're a friend, someone's daughter or son, possibly a lover, an employee or employer, or maybe even someone's spouse. No matter how your role changes, you're still somebody. Nothing will ever change that.

The next step is to take time out to actually love yourself. In romantic relationships it is often said that true love is shown through actions, not words. Learn to apply this to yourself with the following ideas, and you'll be on the road to a lifetime romance, with yourself!

Dear Me...
Write a love letter to yourself. In the letter describe what you really like about you, and what you'd like to improve about yourself. Keep it in a special place you can refer to when needed.

Scheduling Time
Make appointments with yourself to do artistic or spiritually uplifting activities. For example, you might enjoy going on a picnic at the park, taking a tour through an art museum, or taking a walk in a secluded area.

The Finer Things In Life
Enjoy the finer things in life! Eat on your "good" dishes. Enjoy a candlelit meal. Listen to a favorite CD over champagne. Wear your favorite clothes. Treat yourself to unexpected present.

Enlighten Yourself
Try learning an enlightening hobby such as yoga or meditation.

Freedom Of Yourself
Give yourself freedom to make mistakes. Instead of questioning why you are doing, or may have done, something, just accept that you did it. Know inside that you'll handle it when you're ready to, and that it is okay to do just that.

Forgiveness
Forgive yourself for something in your past. Write a letter of apology that includes everything you might have done. Seal it in an envelope, and keep it somewhere private.

Day-By-Day
Live life day-by-day. Try not to worry about what will, or will not happen in the future. Or, what may, or may not have happened in your past. All things are created in the present. Remember, your future and your past are created by what you are doing right now this very moment.

If You Forget Me

2007-07-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

want to share this lovely poem by Pablo Neruda…

I want you to know one thing
You know how this is

If I look at the crystal moon
At the red branch of the slow autumn at my window
If I touch near the fire the impalpable ash Or the wrinkled body of the log
Everything carries me to you
As if everything that exists - aromas, light, metals
Were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me

Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land

But, if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me
With implacable sweetness
If each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me
Ahh my love, ahh my own, in me all that fire is repeated
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten
My love feeds on your love, beloved
And as long as you live, it will be in your arms without leaving mine

this too shall pass...

2007-07-03T01:43:00.000-07:00

nakakainis na nakakatuwa..

May magugustahan ako… magdedate kami… mahuhulog ako..maiinlab…tapos isang araw malalaman ko, wala na kami o wala na siya..naglahong parang bula… pagkalipas ng maraming araw at panahon… maaalala nya ko..tatawag siya at gusto nya akong makita…

Papayag naman ako…

Sabi nya… “jing, dyou know that nothing compares to you?…dyou know that you’re one in a million? and I want to thank you… because of you, I know the meaning of true love… because you showed me true love…”

kakakilig di ba? Naisip ko nga, nanliligaw ba to??

Pero hindi, dahil ang sumunod nyang sinabi…

“ I’ve met this girl, and we’re now getting married!”

Namputsa!

“ Because of you, i know how I can show her true love. Because of you, I know that this is real love. ”.

Namputsa uli!

“really? Well, that’s good. I’m happy for you..for both of you… and you really don’t need to thank me..”

ang sagot ko kahit na nasa likod ng isip ko eh,

“ ok ka lang??? kailangan nating magkita para lang sabihin mong ikakasal ka na??? dagukan kaya kita???

Hindi naman nagtagal, sinagot ang tanong ko ng may iniabot sya sakin…

Wedding invitation!

“I want you to be there.. I want you to be part of this special day.. please do it for me? You can bring your bf along..”

Haller! Wala na akong bf!!!

“thanks.. but im not sure coz I might have a different schedule by that time.. but if I can, why not. And yes, I’ll bring my bf with me.”

Lech

! Nagkaron pa ko ng problema! San naman ako kukuha ng bf bago ang wedding day nya kung pupunta ako?! May bf for hire ba? Hehehe!

And then he hugged me.. alam ko may sasabihin pa sya.. pero di ko hinayaang lumabas yun sa bibig nya.. di ko hahayaang marinig yun.. so I said goodbye…

Ayaw ko na may isa pa uling magsasabi sakin ng I LOVE YOU, bago siya ikasal.

Tama na yung isa.

Hindi nakaka-flatter. Nakaka-depress pa nga…

Dahil kung mahal mo ako, ako sana kasama mo ngayon… pangalan ko ang nasa wedding invitation…at ako ang ihaharap mo sa altar…

Di ba?

I know you’ll be able to read this. Im not mad,bitter or something. Im just making kwento… so don’t think otherwise.

Ayan! Alam mo na tuloy na wala akong bf! Hehehe!

To you my FRIEND, be happy… love your wife –to- be…and please.. be faithful…

I may have taught you love…if you want refresher, I can do that. Hahahaha! Joke! but no one can teach you to be faithful. It is not something that can be taught and be learned. It has something to do with commitment, conscience and respect. If you have these, faithfulness will follow. Ayt?

Have a good life!

Haayyyyy….. nuninuninuninu…

Eleven Minutes

2007-06-09T01:32:00.000-07:00

If i were to tell someone about my life today, I could do it in a way that would make them think me a brave, happy, independent woman. Rubbish. i am not even allowed to mention the only word that is more important– love.

All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement.well, that’s a lie.freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholy is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense.

But what am i saying? in love, no one can harm anyone else. we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. Love is not to be found in someone else but in ourselves. We simply awaken it but in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.

When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left.

I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.

My Aim is to understand Love.

I’ve met a man and fallen in love with him. I allowed myself to fall in love for one simple reason: I’m not expecting anything to come out of it. I know how alive I felt when i was in love. But if I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself.

If Im looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my system. The little experience of life I’ve had has taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion– and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing realy belongs to them. And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mine. it’s best to live life as if today were the first (or last) day of my life.

it hurts when we lost someone we fell in love with. Now though, im convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

Life was teaching me– very fast–that only the strong survive. to be strong, I must be the best, there’s no alternative.

I’m not a body with a soul– im a soul that has a visible part called the body. I have been more conscious of the presence of this soul than usual. It doesnt say anything to me, didnt criticize me or feel sorry for me. it merely watched me.

I could have responded in all kinds of ways but like most people, I let fate choose which route i should take.

Despite my apparent freedom, my life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending I have seen in films and read about in books.

A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, nor knowledge. The only thing that can change someone’s mind is LOVE. love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side that could make a human being take totally different course from the one he or she planned and that was called despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly.

it was norman to be jealous, although life had taught me that it was pointless thinking you could own another person– anyone who believes that is just deceiving themselves. despite this, I could not stop myself having these feelings of jealousy or of having grand intellectual thoughts about it or even thinking it was a proof of fragility.

Anyway, if my love is real, freedom will conquer jealousy and any pain it causes me, since pain is also part of the natural process.

At first, it’s unpleasant and demotivating but in time you come to realize that it’s part of process of feeling good. The danger lies in focusing on that pain and keeping it always present in your thoughts.

I thank God I managed to free myself from that. To avoid beautiful thoughts turning into suffering, I would stop what I was doing, smile at up the sky and give thanks for being alive and to be expecting nothing from the man I love.

It’s been a long time since I thought about love or anything called love. it seems to be running away from me, as if it wasnt important anymore and didnt feel welcome.

But if I dont think about love, I will be nothing. I need to write about love. I need to think and think and write and write about love. otherwise, my soul wont survive.

Although I was capable of writing very wise thoughts, I was quite incapable of following my own advise.

Each day I choose the truth by which I try to live. I try to be practical, efficient, professional. But I would like to be able always to choose desire as my companion. Not out of obligation, not to lessen my loneliness but because it is good. yes, very good.

Sometimes life is very mean: a person can spend days, weeks, months, years without feeling anything new. Then when a door opens, an avalanche pours in. One moment, you have nothing, the next, you have more than you can cope with.

When I had nothing to lose, I have everything.

When I stoppped being who I am, I found myself.

I experienced pain yesterday, I found peace today.

I cannot simply do nothing, pretend that everything is normal, that it’s just a stage, a phase of my life.

I want to forget it, I need to love– that’s all, I need to love.

Life is too short, or too long for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly…

Love one another, but let’s not try to possess one another

(man goes through hell in order to understand this)

2006-01-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing what wonders for the self-esteem a new haircut can do. Especially when you’ve needed one for *ages* and you’ve put it off time and time again.

Whenever I go to a salon, it tends to be hit and miss since I don’t go with a clear idea of what I want done with my hair. I asked for easy-to-maintain, wash-and-wear hair that I could still put into a ponytail. And my stylist definitely delivered. I love my new hair. So far it fits all of the criteria. I also had the roots retouched, but they pulled the color through all of my hair, so now it’s a nice, darker color.

This is the type of post that should be accompanied by a photo, but since I’ve spent the whole day lazing about the house with messy hair, I don’t think a photo would do it justice right now. Besides, it’s not fun to post a picture of yourself on your blog, no matter how much you like your new hair cut. LOL!

2006-01-04T03:49:00.000-08:00

Who made up the superstition that whatever happens on New Year’s Day will set the tone for the rest of the year? If this is true, I don’t have too much to look forward to.

Not that anything majorly bad happened. Just lots of little things. Annoying things. Even painful things.

2005-10-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

Why do I always experience this when I happen to be alone?

I was just at the bank running an errand, when my puson began to hurt. I had been doing fine the whole day. Why is it that just when I went out, it started? I started feeling dizzy and broke into a cold sweat. The dizziness turned to nausea. I made it through the line and headed straight for home. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend but at this point I was glad I made it home ok.

Excruciating pain coupled with dizziness. This happens to me every once in a while when I get my period.

I just have to weather this out alone.